Tuesday, December 22, 2009

It's pronounced "tor-TEE-uh."

Campbells’ Select Harvest Chicken Tortilla soup is made for whitebread cracker folk who live North of Dallas, or East of the Mighty Miss.

While I may need to adjust my expectations regarding the ethnic authenticity of canned soup, the fact that two of my New England co-workers (we’ll call them “Meghan Haley” and “Rebecca Popp”) have raved about this very item has forced me to set the record straight. This soup should be greasy, spicy, and come in a giant bowl with some fresh avocado, cilantro, and perhaps a dollop of sour cream on top. Crispy corn tortilla strips are also a mandate. (Not those weird blue ones.) And here’s the true litmus test: if there’s not a beak, claw, feather, chunk of fatty face waddle, and/or some weird, yardbird innard within the bowl, it’s not legit. And therefore, may be forced to quit.

In all fairness, I would expect the same criticism of a clam chowder in Albuquerque, or a matza ball soup in Oklahoma. Some things are just better left to the regions in which they are mastered.

Because of their misguided soup preferences, both “Meghan” and “Rebecca” are still single. Once again, I implore YOU, my only reader, to make your case for their affection in the 'comments' section. I'm sure either of them is willing to patiently await your parole.


  1. You suck, and clearly have killed your taste budes with the copious amount of alcohol you consume on an hourly basis (I know you're drunk right now). As I sip this crappy Progresso Chicken & Dumplings soup I am reminded why I should stick to the yummyness that is Cambell's Select Harvest Chicken Tortilla soup. It's hearty enough for a spoon to be needed unlike this salt flavored water I'm forcing down.

  2. Such hostility will not get you a dream date with my only reader. Or will it?

    No, it will not.