Tuesday, December 8, 2009

The schoolyard of soup.

Campbell's Chunky Fully Loaded Beef Stew is the bloated jock that picks on Campbell's Chunky Sirloin Burger because of his weight problem. All of the Chunky Soups get snickered at by the Traditional Progressos, but only behind their backs because any Chunky can beat the crap out of any Progresso. But, Progresso can beat up regular Campbell's Condensed Chicken Noodle, who is quite popular, but doughy in nature. All soups pick on Cream of Mushroom for being more of an ingredient in white trash casseroles, and not so much a real soup. Campbell’s Bean and Bacon is the rural, redneck kid who only has two shirts and smells like mildew and feet. He’s laughed at by all, but usually left alone. Chunky Fajita Chicken is the token Hispanic kid who teaches all the other kids how to cuss in Spanish. ¡Hueles a mierda! Campbell's Tomato is the goth, artsy kid that no one pays much attention to. (Thanks a lot, Andy Warhol.) If there's ever any vandalism or defacing of school property, it's probably done by Campbell's Tomato. He’s full of angst. And sodium.

PS – I’m not implying that all soups are dudes. Take Italian Wedding, for instance. Total chick soup. But for the sake of my playground analogy, all soups are dudes.

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