Friday, December 4, 2009

Tiny patties, made from tiny cows, cooked by tiny cooks, on tiny grills, flipped with tiny utensils, while listening to Elton John's "Tiny Dancer."

That's how I envision it, and I'm usually not wrong about these sorts of things.

Anyone who has ever enjoyed a bowl of Campbell's Chunky Sirloin Burger has probably wondered why, if not how, those little grill marks get put on those little patties. I'm pretty sure it's done by a small army of Puny Patty Grill Gurus, or PPGGs.

This is how I think the job application for that position at Campbell's Soup would read:

PPGG Wanted
We need a little help. We're a little short in our grilling department. This is a lower-level position within the company. Here's a little info about the job requirements:

Candidate must have a degree from a Junior College, at minimum.

Candidate must be able to make tiny sirloin patties and grill them with a little care and a lot of love.

Skills & Qualifications:
Candidate must be a team player, and be willing to take on any task, no matter how small. A little working knowledge of fire is also good.

Additional Considerations:
You must be willing to relocate. This job is located in a small town.

Also, feel free to include a wee list of activities and/or hobbies. For instance, do you coach a Little League team? Are you good at miniature golf? Do you drive a Mini Cooper? It's the little things that will get you considered for this position.

Campbell's is usually an Equal Opportunity Employer, but for this position, we totally need a midget.


If my PPGG Theory is not accurate, perhaps the patties are robotically stamped out at a rate of 1000 pps (patties per second) from a giant vat of meat dough, then have edible food paint applied to simulate grilling.

Either way... Yum!

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