Friday, December 18, 2009

Cool beans.

Fucking Freezing with a 100% chance of Shrinking Beans.

This pic was taken of my dashboard on the way to work this morning. I know what you’re thinking: “7:54? What the F are you doing up so early, let alone operating heavy machinery whilst hopped up on goofballs?” Well that’s just how I roll. You may also notice the big goose egg on the left side denoting the temperature outside. The reading is accurate, but that doesn’t make it right.

Back in the Motherland, when the mercury dips below 50ยบ F, state law requires you to make a vat of chili. That same law also prohibits the use of beans in said chili. In fact, if you are a Chilympic Athlete and your chili tests positive for beans – not only would you be immediately disqualified, you’d be stripped naked, rolled in hot tar, have longhorn excrement hurled at you, and forced to drink non-alcoholic beer as you’re exiled to Oklahoma.

I’ve sampled chili from just about every region in these great United States, and most people have got it all wrong. And what they do in Cincinnati is a crime against humanity.

I’m only going to say this once: Chili is chunks of red meat in a thick sauce made from chili peppers. Repeat: Chili is chunks of red meat in a thick sauce made from chili peppers.

The fact that I’m writing about chili in a soup log has put me in great danger. I must stop before retribution is sought.

Also... I remind YOU, my only reader, to Rock the Vote in the distasteful poll at right. It’s change we can believe in.


  1. I voted Chickarina...b/c it's sassy. Thanks for the commentary on Chili but I'm left with a burning question. From where does the BEST Chili (in your humble opinion) reign? Um, Texas?

  2. Hays County, Central Texas.

    Or my kitchen.

    Whichever comes first.