Tuesday, February 2, 2010

Science you can actually use.

There’s some crazy shit that happens in the natural world. Like aurora borealis, red tide, and how a choice cut of free range clown meat can sometimes resemble the actual clown it was harvested from.

A more common occurrence is animal mimicry. There are three types of mimicry in the natural world, and I will make an argument for a fourth.

First type: Batesian mimicry. Named after some dude called Bates. This is basically when one punk ass species rides the coat tails of another species that is capable of totally f’ing up your program. For instance, the harmless king snake that looks like the venomous coral snake. You’re probably familiar with the old Scout saying: “Red and yellow: turn your vital organs to Jell-O. Red and black: total hack. With no game whatsoever.” King snake... pfft. King of what? King of Lame, that’s what.

Second type:
Muellerian mimicry. Named after some dude called Mueller. This is when a whole group of critters (in this case, colorful rainforest frogs) get together and say: “Most frogs are total pansies, we admit. But a few of you hold third degree black belts, have hot girlfriends and sweat frikkin’ poison. Sooooo, we pansy frogs got to thinking and decided to start dressing like you badass frogs in the hopes that predators will stay out of our grills. And also, we think it will help us get laid.”

Third type: Self mimicry. Named after self. This is when a creature, usually a creature with low self-esteem, gets a sweet tat to make it look like something else. An example is a butterfly that gets its wings inked to make them look like eyes of a larger creature. This is the butterfly's way of saying to a potential predator: “At first glance, you may think I’m something bigger, but if you look closely, you’ll see a butterfly that’s lonely and hurting inside. And probably quite delicious.”

Proposed fourth type: Price Chopper mimicry. Named after Brazilian paleontologist Llewellyn Ivor Price, who rode a sweet chopper. I'm guessing. This type of mimicry is when a food store chain makes their private label soup look very similar to a brand name soup, and then places their private label products on the shelf right next to the brand name products in an attempt to fool their loyal customers. For shame, Price Chopper, for shame. May you get bit by a coral snake while licking a poisonous frog as insecure butterflies peck your eyeballs out.

Full disclosure: While soup shopping, I was fooled at first glance. Was I wicked hammered on SoCo? Probably. I decided to try a few of the counterfeit offerings nonetheless. While they both were significantly cheaper, they both were significantly disgusting.

To the Scouts of America and certain parts of Canada, this may one day save your life:

It may say “Chunky,” but it’s probably made from monkey.
A label that’s blue can make a fool outta you.
And you may save a buck, but they’re nasty as can be.


  1. i am, once again, laughing. out. loud. even though, this time, you didn't speak directly to me, your only reader. go soup!

  2. I just hope that YOU, my only reader, will heed my advice and use it to protect yourself from the enormous dangers I speak of.

  3. yes! price chopper mimicry is death. got it. thank you! by the by, technically, it's "the enormous dangers of which I speak." that's what i can offer you in return for your soup advice: grammar support.
    go soup!